I wish I’d been paid for services rendered to a sadistic, sexist, violent despot and then given the money to poor, struggling and dying people. What a great idea! People would love me and think I was morally in touch with society. And they wouldn’t bother asking WHY I decided to do so in the first place.
Singer Beyonce gave her fee for performing for Muammar Gadhafi to Haiti, she says, while Nelly Furtado claims she’s going to give the $1-million she earned from the drag-queen look-alike’s jol to charity. No word yet from Usher, Mariah Carey, Timbaland and 50 Cent, however, who have allegedly also played for the Gadhafi family at some point.
This is how I would imagine a conversation would go among these music stars, who played for the dregs of the earth and have not yet decided – or even considered – if they’ll hand over the exorbitant fee earned:
Mariah Carey (MC): Beyonce and Nelly Furtado gave the fee they earned from playing for the Gadhafis to charity. Shit. That makes the rest of us look bad for not doing the same, fellas.
Usher (U): Who’s Nelly Furtado?
Timbaland (T): She’s that Canadian ice-hockey player.
50 Cent (50C): Yo, where’s Canada?
MC: Don’t be an idiot Timbaland, you know that Canada doesn’t exist.
U: Yeah, Canada is a figment of global warming doom-sayers’ imaginations.
50C: What the fuck are you all talking about? Hey, check out how thin I am after losing all that weight for that my movie.
T: Errr, yeah, Fiddy. Anyway, what am I supposed to do now? I was gonna collaborate with MuGa to make a little tune called ‘I gon’ bust a martyr cap in yo’ ass, mo-fo protesters’, but I see some Israeli dude has parodied MuGa, and so Bro-Leader has cancelled our project. And I was SO gonna give my $3-million fee to a poor African nation. What am I gonna do now that I can’t collaborate?! And who’s gonna know that I am generous and lovely and caring?
50C: pa-ro-di … what?
U: I’m going to call up Charlie Sheen for advice. That guy seems to know everything. He’ll know what to do.
MC: Yeah, and I want his dentist’s name – that doc did a good job on Charlie’s teeth. My pal Whitney says crack is whack on the teeth.
U: Are there still starving people in some country I could donate to without it looking like I’m fuelling nuclear war among tyrants?
T: Dude, I haven’t understood one word you’ve said
MC: Fellas, did I look fat when I was pregnant?
50C: I hate you all, why am I here?