While collecting a bunch of meds at the pharmacy on Saturday, I noticed a package lying on the counter with the extremely alluring name, ‘Euphorbium’.
I might have guessed from its name that Euphorbium would be a homeopathic preparation, packed full of essence of Egyptian Goose and a soupçon of snail shell.
Despite my distrust of homeopathy in general, I think taking something called Euphorbium would greatly improve my disposition. In fact, I think that despite it being indicated for rhinitis, Euphorbium would improve just about all of my ailments, once and for all proving the existence of the placebo effect. Conclusively.
Taking Euphorbium would lead to less dissatisfaction with the dirty dishes in my sink, the broken air conditioning compressor in my car which is going to cost R4000 to replace, the expired passport squatting in my drawer, and manageable hatred of shrieking children.
This got me thinking that if various medications were named a bit more creatively, conveying the essence of their action in their name, reluctant patients might be more inclined to stick to a strict regimen, leading to fewer complications that result from non-adherence.
I thus propose a few names which describe the drug’s action more…pointedly, perhaps (and yes, and I realise these names sound like Chinglish):
- Reliefomax: a mild laxative to relieve those days/weeks/months spent eating bread, muffins, matzah, kneidlach.
- Upliftomide: antidepressant, anxiolitic, all-around feel-good pill
- Keepitine: stops nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea.
- Happyheadomine: gets rid of headaches
- Stoprot: antibiotic or antibiotic cream or powder
- Stinkgo: prescription-strength breath freshener
On reflection, I suspect people might prefer shouting, “I want a box of 4000 condoms and a giant tube of lube,” while in a queue with their boss, their standard four English teacher and their mom’s best friend, instead of having to ask for Stinkgo.
Ah well, I’m not bovvered. I’m taking Euphorbium and everything is juuuuuust fine…