Tips for Surviving my Workplace

A new employee has started at my company this morning.

Because I recall what it was like to start here – a place where everybody may know your name but won’t speak to you for a couple of months – I have decided to write a list of guidelines, so to speak, to bear in mind when working for this organisation:

1) Introduce yourself to everyone in the office because no-one will take you around and help you out in this regard.

2) Do not use the mug with the picture of the roses or you will face the wrath of the mug-monster woman.

3) People in the office WILL phone you at your desk while they are at their desks. Yes, this is despite your being in adequate proximity for a conversation held at a normal volume. Embrace this.

4) Staff may mysteriously disappear/die. Accept this.

5) People will walk in and leave without saying hello or goodbye. Try not to take this personally. Perhaps this is how they treat their families and friends too.

6) Certain staff member/s have a licence to be incredibly rude, impatient and holier-than-thou with others. Accept this.

7) Most of your colleagues don’t really want to know about you. Mostly they just want to be able to tell you about themselves, so learn to tune out – play the Gummi Bears tune in your head while they speak to you.

8) Get used to eavesdropping by colleagues – this may be because you have a life outside the office.

9) Come to expect a level of sexual harassment and inappropriate remarks by an older male who believes he’s funnier than he is.

10) Expect double standards when it comes to Internet access and censorship. Remember this: he who holds the password is the only one allowed to view Facebook.

P.S. Welcome! Hope your stay here is marvellous and fulfilling. Just try not to behave too much like a well-rounded, emotionally intelligent human being.