There is a delightful story doing the rounds on the news wires which looks at the possible questions that could be included in a driver’s licence test in China. Of some 800 possibities, 100 make it to print for any one test. Drawn from the article, here are a few of the possibilities that you might encounter if you were to be tested for a Chinese licence:
If someone’s intestines are protruding from an open abdominal wound, should you:
A. Put them back in place;
B. Do nothing; or,
C. Cover them with some kind of container and fasten it around the body?
What should a driver do when he needs to spit while driving?
A. Spit through the window.
B. Spit into a piece of waste paper, then put it into a garbage can.
C. Spit on the floor of the vehicle.
Whilst operating my automobile in a work-ward direction last week, I happened upon a snippet of information being broadcast via my vehicle’s wireless. Apparently South Africa’s driving instruction regulations, K53, officially encourage new drivers to drive in the middle lane of highways. Why this is, is unclear. Perhaps it is to further infuriate people who can’t quite drive at the mandatory 300km/h necessary to join that special club that is the right-hand lane?
Perhaps K53 needs a rethink, China-style. I am sure we S.A drivers could all suggest a list of questions prospective drivers should be able to answer in a test. For example:
1. You’ve just whizzed through a red traffic light at 80km/h. You nearly collided with a car legitimately navigating the intersection. Do you:
A) Apologise to the driver
B) Zap the driver and put foot
C) Pull over and threaten the driver with an AK 47.
Answer: B – If you’re in a hurry to get to the bar, or C – if you have time to spare because you’re going to work.
- A 16-seater minibus taxi – with only 24 occupants, therefore not quite at capacity – swerves into your lane, clipping the side of your newly panel-beaten car. Do you:
A) Drive on, shouting “CALM BLUE OCEAN!!!!!!!!” repeatedly to yourself in the most soothing screech you can manage.
B) Call your loved ones to say goodbye and how much you loved them, and explain that you are about to a try flag the taxi driver down in order to have a rational conversation about what to do about your damaged vehicle.
C) Open fire on the driver and occupants of the taxi with the gun you keep in your cubby hole/glove compartment.
Answer: All of the above – the opportunities for all three options will present themselves daily, so don’t limit yourself to just one option.
- You’re driving along a main thoroughfare. On the left are four potholes in the road, each the size of a hula hoop. To the right is a cordoned-off section of road filled with chattering workmen leaning into oncoming traffic. Do you:
A) Slow down, indicate well in time and wait for a break in traffic to merge gently with the flow?
B) Hurtle over into the next lane without warning while checking your cubby hole for your gun and zapping the person who narrowly avoids slamming into you?
C) Drive into the crater-sized potholes or into the workmen, with no chance of compensation by the municipality for the damage caused to your car as a result of the potholes?
Answer. B…like DUH!!!!
- You’re driving along at an average pace for an S.A driver – 100km/h in a 60km/h zone. You notice in the rapidly decreasing distance, a person ambling across four lanes of heavy traffic. Do you:
A) Slow down in order to ensure that the jaywalker gets safely to the other side?
B) Speed up so that the loping pedestrian can feel the power of the breeze and hear the sonic boom created by you as you break the sound barrier when you pass him/her?
C) Curse out the window at the moron pedestrian while you drive into a pothole?
Answer: B or C. Usually C.
See how easy it should be to become a licenced South African driver?