The aspiring cellists among you can breathe a sigh of relief, and can rush out to the local musical instrument shop and purchase a cello.
Yes, the good news is that the condition publicised by the British Journal of Medicine in 1974 called ‘Cello Scrotum’, does not actually exist. It was, in fact, invented by Baroness Murphy and her then hubby John, as a prank. They sent a letter complaining of the condition to the journal, which then published it and apparently rumours of the condition have endured.
Baroness Murphy is a mental health expert in the U.K, and is “active on mental health and ageing issues in the House of Lords.” John Murphy is the chairman of a brewery.
It is important for all musicians, and those who appreciate music, to be aware of a number of afflictions facing them today. The following conditions, which may or may not have been reported in leading medical journals during the past 30 or so years, may or may not exist:
– Violin Chin: decreased hair on the patch of beard coming into contact with the instrument (note: hirsute female violinists actively desire this condition)
– Oboe Lip: inflammation of the lips due to blowing.
– Triangle Wrist: a need to propose toasts every time one spies a glass, cup, mug or anything that will clang when a teaspoon is used to tap it.
– Harp Hair: entanglement of one’s hair in the instrument’s strings, causing shrieks from the harpist, and generally ruining the mood.
– Bag Pipes Nausea: a violent compulsion to vomit upon hearing the bag pipes. Incidence: frequent.
– Electric Guitar Hip Dysplasia: pain in the pelvic area of the body owing to violet hip thrusting resulting from wishing to hear that geeeeetar sing. Incidence: frequent among teenage males and Nickleback. Treatment: death (by beheading).
You have been warned.