My good buddy Black Dog, aka a certain metallic coloured canine, has requested help in resolving the matter outlined below. Now, I want thoughtful responses please. None of this “respect your parents, they know best” tripe. We all know where THAT gets you…on blind dates with men who no-one else will have.
Greetings from Hermanus, home to many enormous creatures, dedicated to no higher pursuit than eating as much as possible and lolling around Walker Bay, doing nothing at all for days at a time. And the whales too.
Despite approaching the fine age of 30, I find myself on holiday with my two parents, in their early 60s. This is mainly because I have not yet managed to find a man to marry to me, due to my unattractive man-hating whims such as earning money and not having a baby. The poor fellows don’t stand a chance. Plaiting my arm pit hair and waxing my moustache can’t be far off.
Anyhow – to the matter at hand. As Hermanus becomes pretty sleepy after sunset at 8pm, my parents have taken the chance to catch up on some “must see” television series from the last year or too. They have devoured “House” and “Dexter”, and next on the list is the HBO series “Deadwood”, set in the wild west. This lavish drama is impressive in its historical accuracy and opulent recreation of life in the lawless west, where cowboys and indians murdered each other on a daily basis, everyone was an alcoholic, and rape was as common as taking a slash. Every episode someone gets murdered in gruesome style, and soon one learns to expect the unexpected.
Part and parcel of “Deadwood” is the profane language of the frontier. Being a non-swearer myself, I am naturally appalled at the free and liberal use of the words “fuck” and “cocksucker” in every scene. So you can imagine my horror upon hearing my 63 year old mother telling me “I can’t park the car until this cocksucker has moved out of the way”, or my father saying “Now where are those goddamn cocksucking whales?”
This extended, later in the day, to my mother sympathetically rubbing my back and saying that my employers were “Cocksuckers, hey?” and my father saying “Would you like a cup of cocksucking tea?”
What do you suggest I do DBAWIW?? Is this the evil influence of television??? Should I burp loudly every time a swearword is used in the television show?? How do I reverse this terrible trend?
What should Black Dog do, people? Should she take up swearing for the sake of promoting familial harmony? Should she belch everytime the word “cocksucker” escapes her 63-year old mother’s lips? Does her father have a right to compare the wondrous mammals of the sea to a fellatio-provider? Is it fitting to drink tea after such an image has been burnt on her brain? Should she request that her parents replace the term “cocksucker” with “spunky fucking tit-arsing monkey?”
Her fate is in your hands. Please respond.