Assassinating Characters

29 09 08

It’s ‘Assassinate Someone’s Character’ week this week (according to Benrik, the crazy diary people), and who better to prey upon than YOU, my lovely blog readers. Some of you I know, some of you I don’t, and some of you I fantasise about dressing up with as a grapefruits and bemoaning our lots in life. I shall now proceed to provide some creative personality traits about those I know who read this blog, so that you might all know one another better:

 Orange Rottweiler: Phones the parents of irritating teenagers at 4am pretending to be their daughter, while asking them to come fetch her from the police station

Chicsa Fashionista: Is a swinger

Boldly Benny: Reads Hustler in the work bathroom 

Anonimas: Farts in his chair and blames it on the cat

Zoydberg: Sends dead flowers to his mother

Jason: Picks his nose and wipes the snot under his chair

Cuz G: Deliberately flushes his toilet at 3am to wake his downstairs neighbours

Koekie: Kicks dogs and children

Bec: Steals face cream samples instead of buying a bottle

HotGuy 42: Parks in disabled spaces

Charmskool: Presents a fake Matric certificate to prospective employers

Glugster: Cuts peoples’ hair whom he sits behind in movies

Jaded: Cuts the eyes out of photos

Caryn: Deliberately straddles lanes when driving

Lisa: Makes sure her baby is screeching when going to a restaurant

EM&CT: Chats up telesalesmen and women

Vimbai: Deliberately eats garlic before long-haul flights

If I’ve left anyone out, it is purely accidental. I would love to malign you too, just let me know who you are.


A conversation Among Eight Former South African Cabinet ministers

25 09 08

 

Cast of characters:

Phumzile – Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka (ex-deputy president)

Essop – Essop Pahad (ex-minister in the presidency)

Mosiuoa – Mosiuoa Lekota (ex-defence minister)

Ronnie – Ronnie Kasrils (ex-intelligence minister)

Alec – Alec Erwin (ex-public enterprises minister)

Ngconde – Ngconde Balfour (ex-correctional services minister)

Thoko – Thoko Didiza (ex-public works minister)

Geraldine – Geraldine Fraser-Moleketi (ex-public service and administration minister)

 

The fallen octet sits around a table at a Mugg & Bean outlet at an undisclosed shopping centre in Pretoria, following the last address by their former commander-in-chief, Thabo Mbeki:

Ngconde: Hey, is Thabo going to join us or what?

Mosiuoa: Nah, this might be the last time he’s ever in an official escort home, so he wants to take advantage of it

Ronnie: So blokes, what are your plans now that we’re unemployed? Phumzi?

Phumzile: Well, I’m thinking about setting up an African potato, orange and Chappies bubblegum stand on my pavement, Winnie-style. Then again, I’m not sure if I get to keep my pozzie…does anyone know if my house is an official residence?

Ronnie: I dunno. I’m moving back in with my folks. But speaking of potatoes, did you check how Manto was bawling during T-man’s speech? Hectic!

Alec: *sznxcczz* “THE FAULT WAS CAUSED BY HUMAN ERROR!!!!!” ….What? Huh? How did I get here?

Geraldine: Go back to sleep, Alec. We’ll wake you when your muffin arrives. Christ, am I glad I don’t have to deal with that frigging COSATU anymore every year. All that marching over ‘inadequate’ wage increases. Finally I’ll be able to go on leave in the middle of the year.

Thoko: I heard a rumour that Jacob’s crew had a dartboard up with T-man’s face over the bullseye. Man, that’s crappy! I say we appropriate that dartboard!

Essop: Thoko, what are you on about?! We have no power. I doubt I’ll be able to get a booking at Casalinga now for six months!

Ngconde: Well, *I’m* going to open my own jail. All these months at the helm of correctional services have taught me that the right people in charge prevents escapes. I’m going to ask T-man if he wants to be the head warder.

Essop: You moron! Thabo is going to be in Zim. Ask Alec…he could bore the inmates to sleep.

Alec: *snxkx* Huh? What ? Did I hear my name?

Geraldine: Eat your muffin, Alec.

Ronnie: So how about we form our own G8? We can put an ‘r’ in between ‘G’ and ‘8’, so everyone will know that we’re great!

Essop: *whispers to Phumzile*: What the hell was Thabo thinking when he moved Ronnie from the water affairs ministry to intelligence?

Phumzile: Shhh! I’m trying to figure out what I could get for my dep-pres plaque on e-Bay.

The fallen Octet muse silently about their futures (while Alec sleeps) as they eat their muffins. The bill arrives.

Ronnie: Er, who’s going to pay?

They look around, astounded at this turn of events.

Phumzile *addresses the waiter*: Do you know who we are?!

Waiter: A travelling gospel group?

Phumzile: *sighs* Ja. You got eight brooms?


17 09 08

Infant-wear is the latest hottest trend in couture. How, you ask, might I know this? The reason is because I have my finger on the pulse of all things fashion. Oh yes! Nothing escapes my eagle eye for all new and trendy developments in women’s clothing. You are all very lucky to have someone so deeply in the know; so firmly ensconced in fashion’s warm and snuggly community, reporting these breaking developments in duds.

Reuters reports: “One-piece romper suits that combine shorts with a shirt are mostly worn by infants, but that may be about to change.”

The article alleges that Betsey Johnson showed a “whimsical” overall-inspired romper with blue and yellow stripes and ruffled trim. It could be the picture I’ve uploaded here…then again, it might not be. You decide.

Anyway, I say why stop there? If one is going to dress like an  infant in a ROMPER SUIT!!!!, one should go all the way….

Bibs:

This season’s rage is the bohemian baby bib. Nothing says hippy- trendy like wearing your striped-polka dot bib out dancing on a Saturday night. For those recovery Sunday mornings after an asinine night out dancing in the moonlight, be sure to switch to your soothing earth-toned bib while sitting at a baroque outdoor café sipping on elderberry-moosefruit mohitos.

Nappies:

The ultimate in “so hip it’s nower than now” fashion, the nappy is this summer’s must-wear. Both fashionable and practical (no more pooping your pants hassles when you just can’t tear yourself away from people-watching to go to the loo), the nappy is 2008’s lavish and lucious answer to some or other question…posed some time ago…maybe.

Look out for special-edition safety pins provactively engraved with alluring messages, such as “Incontinent for you” and “Potty train me”. Signature pins soon to be on offer for treble the price.

High-heeled booties:

If you purchase just one item of harebrained fashion this summer, make sure it is Manolo Loubouchoo’s high-heeled crocheted booty. With s/his customary tree-branch stiletto heel, coupled with á la mode, in vogue woollen booties sewn onto the heel, you are just a trip to the orthopaedic surgeon away from true style.

Don’t thank me. Just knowing that you will take my fashion advice to heart and wear these items of clothing…in public…makes my heart swell.


The Friendoleague

15 09 08

During our Saturday morning walk/run this weekend, Chicsa Fashionista told The-Woman-Formerly-Known-as-Golden-Beagle and I about a colleague who appears to be trying to breach the friend/colleague fence. How she became aware of this undesired manoeuvre was through the following event:

CF’s stuttering, smelly work colleague, Henry, asked her to have a look at his cellphone, specifically to admire the naked, rotating woman that is a screensaver (or something). Apparently the woman spins and just as you’re about to see her naked boobies and front bum, her arms adjust to cover up her nekkidness. Apparently this pleases Henry no end.

CF says that after this little bit o’ sharing, George then arranged his eyes suggestively, in a “bedroom eyes” like manner, and directed them at her. These two incidents spell one thing only: George is definitely trying to move into the ‘Friendoleague’ category. No longer just a colleague, but not quite a friend either.

What will follow, I suggested to CF, is a move from off-colour emails to SMSes. Yes, I daresay that her new Friendoleague George will soon be sending text messages to the Chicsa. Because that is the natural life-cycle of the Friendoleague.

Colleagues send one another vaguely humorous emails containing wishes of a good life for the recipient, the many differences between how men and women shower/go to the toilet/court one another, and the odd chain letter aimed at saving the life of a child born without a head.

Friendoleagues send one another vaguely sexual SMSes which never progress to SMS which require responses that involve thought or pressing more than the minimum number of keys on a cellphone required to forward said sexual SMSes.

Friends send one another SMSes explaining how they forgot to put away their vibrators on the day that the domestic worker is due at her abode.

George is just on the cusp of becoming a fully fledged Friendoleague. Watch this space.



Muffin Top Grabbing

09 09 08

I know an individual who looks so frail that I am sure I would break her skinny frame if I happened to stand on her. I know another individual (who also knows the skinny individual) who is not skinny, but is by no means a porker. Her misfortune is the shared misfortune of many, many, many, many women the world over….the presence of the muffin top.

For those not in the know, please find attached exhibits A, B and C

Well, ok. That woman in the white outfit is more a case of Fashion Victim Extreme Muffin Top (FVEMT) and might be an outlier on the bell curve of ordinary muffin tops.

The muffin top is the bane of many lives. And it is a law of anatomy that the tighter the jeans, the more prevalent the muffin top. Today, skinny woman committed the cardinal sin when it comes to excess rolls of skin and fat adorning a woman’s body… she grabbed at not-skinny colleague’s muffin top, fondled it, and laughed.

Not-skinny colleague was gracious and laughed it off, all the while probably dying inside. Which brings me to this question: how on earth could skinny colleague possibly not have learnt while growing up that one MUST NEVER, EVER, EVER HIGHLIGHT THE ROLLS OF FAT ON A WOMAN’S BODY???!!!! How could she not know this?! Is she an alien? Just because she is so thin she looks like an eight-year old child, does not mean that she could not have come across people sporting muffin tops through the course of her life, and have learnt that it is utterly forbidden to mention or touch another woman’s droopy tummy.

When I told my buddy Orange Rottweiller this morning about this, she too was horrified:

I have a serious case of Muffin Top (that’s a lie, by the way – ed) most days of the week, but I rely HEAVILY on my colleagues NOT grabbing my fat and squishing it for their amusement!!….[Skinny girl] is thin and so probably has never understood the pain of the MT. She needs to LEARN it is SACRED TERRITORY. GIRLS DON”T LET OTHER GIRLS FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT THEIR MUFFIN TOPS.”

Well put, Rottie! Girls DON’T do that to girls. We give one another belts and sashes and different tops. We don’t purpose squeeze other women’s fat.