A Conversation between Jacob Zuma and his Advisors

10 03 08
Jacob Zuma’s decision to hold little meetings with ‘targetted’ groups of South Africans has left me bemused. First there was the infamous closed (to races other than black) address of the Forum of Black Journalists a few weeks ago, which has given voice to a seething mass of outrage, and the knowledge that South Africans are not as over racism as we thought. Zuma did not order that no white journalists be allowed to hear him speak, be he certainly did not take issue with this understanding.

Second on the list of Zuma’s 'Marginalised Groups' Tour 2008 was a meeting with farmers last week, although this was not a closed meeting, as well as one with trade union Solidarity, predominantly an Afrikaner union. 

Owing to his recent behaviour, I would imagine that a meeting between Zuma and his advisors would go down something like this:

Jacob Zuma: Hoezittt my bras. Ok. We’ve met the black journos, the Afrikaans boere, and the Afrikaans citizens of Pretoria. Our meet and greet 2008 tour has not been without problems you okes, but I think we’re on track. The purpose of this morning’s meeting is to bang out a solid list of other groups I can address to assure them that I won’t Mugabe this country. Suggestions please!

Baleka Mbete: Jay-Zee, how about the Potchefstroom N.G Church’s ladies’ committee? I hear they make an awesome melktert.

JZ: Great idea Baleka! But I think we should delay any further meetings with the Afrikaans communities now; it would look strange if I got another family bible and miniature ossewa to put in my house. Kinda breaks the theme in my living room.

Kgalema Motlanthe: Well, I’ve set up a donation of 30 supremo super-duper showers to the rape crisis centre in Hillbrow, and I’ve told them that you will attend the handover ceremony.

JZ : errrr, jaaaa, well ok Kgalema. Sheesh!!! I’ll need something fun to do after that. Matthews! Go down to Hi-Fi Corp and get me a karaoke machine with “Mshini Wami” on it. I need to sing, brother!

Matthews Phosa: No problemo bossman! Listen, speaking of electrical equipment, the tv at the retirement home in which my aunt lives is on the blink, and the residents are really, really bored. I think you should go speak to them. Don’t worry about having to think up new stuff to say either – most of them will start telling you about their grandchildren after five minutes, and if you stand close to the tv they’ll think you are the repair man. Maybe pack a toolbelt, just in case.

JZ: Dudes, these are all winning ideas, but I want to meet the people who count. Gwede, why are you so quiet?

Gwede Mantashe: I’m upset Josh Groban’s tour has been cancelled. I was so looking forward to hearing his sweet music.

JZ:  Ja, that sucks. Maybe we should borrow Pumzile’s jet and go meet Josh in his home in L.A – though someone else will have to ask Pumzile…I don’t think she likes me all that much. Alright! You set that up Gwede. Baleka, Kgalema and Matthews, excellent suggestions.  Oh listen, someone needs to take down the Mbeki dartboard, it’s completely threadbare. Put one up of Justice Malala, ok?
Meeting adjourned!!!