The Secret Language of Colleagues

27 06 07

Idly flipping tv channels late last night, contemplating the astounding lack of variety SABC offers me, I hit upon the repeat of the issue of Oprah last night. Last night’s show centred on the astounding secret world of infant language. Oh yes, it was truly earth-shattering. On stage with Oprah was a rather smug-looking Australian woman, Priscilla kangaroomagojee, declaring that she knew what a baby wants when it goes “eh”, “neh” “ow” and makes other sounds more readily acceptable coming from a cat. This woman had the weirdest mouth. I stared and wondered how she made it contort the way it did.

Not to detract from Priscilla’s gift, but doesn’t it stand to reason that any mother, after trying to come to terms with her squalling infant for hours and hours, would not eventually figure out what her baby wants, and when he/she wants it?

I’ve kept my special talent to myself for too long now. I must share it or I will regret never having passed on the secret….the secret of the amazing world of office-worker language. Be prepared….this could very well change your life (and your colleagues’) for good!

Meh = A sound signifying disregard and, often, disgust.

e.g.

Question: I’ll send you the material you need, but it will only arrive after your print deadline has passed

Answer: Meh!

Explanation: Why the f&ck do you continue to inflict your idiocy on me? I wish you would die a slow and painful death.

Urrrrrrrrrr = A sound signifying obliviousness, with a hint of deception

e.g

Question: Have you gotten hold of so-and-so to find out if he/she will be supplying editorial?

Answer: Urrrrrrrrrrr….

Explanation: I’m more useless than a bikini in a blizzard but by making a nondescript sound, perhaps you’ll eventually go away and do it yourself.

Going forward = Not strictly a sound yet, but in the future will not be distinguishable as any meaningful language in the work place.

e.g

Statement: I am unhappy with the quality of this work

Reply: Going forward, the use of top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art, innovative new technological advances, and through strategic alignment of corporate structures, we will be in a position to develop and grow a niche in which we can add value and display unique conceptualisation.

Explanation: F&ck! I stuffed up because I didn’t give a rat’s arse about the project and I was too busy blogging to notice.

I hope my letting you in on this precious secret will greatly benefit you in your relations with your colleagues. Should you have any other sounds you wish explained, I am here for you.


Mary the Cleaner

25 06 07


I am finally getting a domestic worker to help me move transform the inside of my flat from “slum” to “germs don’t live here no more” status. And I’ve already started dreaming about her. See, this is par for the course in my life. Something new = dream about it. Something unknown = dream and obsess about it.

Mary was introduced to me on Saturday by Golden Beagle, having been in her parents’ employ for the past few months. Mary ain’t all that pretty – for the occasion she was wearing a big, thuggish brown beanie, with two blue plastic earrings peeking out. The absence of many of her top teeth, coupled with a her sparse beard, made Mary a formidable vision. However, as scary as Mary looks is as sweet as she seemed on first meeting.

I’m already imagining the joy Mary will bring to my life. Mary will change my duvet cover on a Monday morning, sparing me the horror and almost unimaginable frustration this act causes me. Mary will pile things up neatly. Mary will vacuum my carpet, removing my hair which is a drain’s worst nightmare and seems to land everywhere. I love Mary already.

However, before I can experience this hygiene Nirvana, I have to come to terms with a few niggles:

1) I DO have sufficient cleaning materials for the purposes of disinfecting my flat

2) Mary won’t mind changing my duvet cover

3) Chances are something will go wrong at some point, and I won’t be happy with the outcome. I may even have to voice displeasure.

4) Mary will probably arrive really late or really early for her first day, and I must resist screeching at her about this


Another conversation

21 06 07


A conversation between me (DBAWIW) and the dodgy autoelectrician (DAE) on collecting her car yesterday:

DAE: I want to show you something

DBAWIW *Wonders if she’s going to be flashed and wonders if she’ll still be able to recognise a penis should this be the case* : Urm….ok.

DAE: These are your old CV joints. Check how broken they are.

DBAWIW *realises it’ll be another day without penis, picks up said greasy piece of equipment*: Right, if you say so.

DAE: I had to keep your car for an extra day because your ABS braking had too many teeth for the CV joint I ordered, and would not work

Note: It sounded like he said something like that. It also sounded very much like he said “squaaaaaaawk, clatter clatter, rhubarb, ….CV joint….., squaaaaaaaaawk”.

DBAWIW: Oh.

DAE: OK

DBAWIW: Alright then, so should I leave these old, broken CV joints with you? Will I need them for any reason?

DAE: No, you won’t need them. I like to use the ball bearings to fire at the windscreens of motorists behind me when I ride my motorbike…hyuk hyuk!

DBAWIW *Pays everything she owes and more, agrees with absolutely everything DAE says about racist black police officers who hate white people, and backs away slowly*: Thanks.


The S.A Police Service and a Horse

20 06 07

A conversation between a member of the South African Police Service, and a Soweto horse accused of theft:

Police Officer (P.O): You have been arrested for stealing a car.

Horse (H): Nnhrrrrrrrr

P.O: What’s that? You deny this? Are you saying we police have got the wrong man…errrr…woman….errr….beast of burden?

H: Nnnhrrrrrr

P.O: Police saw you and two suspects (human) in possession of a suspected stolen vehicle…..DO YOU DENY THIS STILL?????????!!!!!!!!!!

H: Nnnhrrrr

P.O: Be careful oakie, or you may end up being dinner for a spoilt Sharpee. Now, what were you doing dragging a cart carrying the stripped body of a Toyota in Soweto?

H: *starts picking his teeth*

P.O: Listen, we have witnesses. You were seen brazenly carrying this load with your two flunkies. We know those morons couldn’t possibly have been the brains behind this complex, well-planned, well-executed operation. Speak now and I could cut you a deal…maybe get you out to Kyalami under a bit of house arrest. C’mon, we need your testimony otherwise we’re screwed! (shit, did I say that out loud?)

H: Nnhrrr

P.O *Fuschia-faced*…Fuck you, you inscrutable motherfucker!! Bongi? Booooongiiii get in here!!!! ……Ja, call up our colleagues in the U.S. Tell them to send us that teenager who was arrested earlier this week for having sex with a mare….. Ja, tell him we need his services.

You’ll talk Horse, oh yes you will.

H: *tramples Police Officer to death, adding another charge to his growing rap sheet*:

Nnhrrrr


God and Soccer

20 06 07

A conversation between Danny Jordaan, head of South Africa’s 2010 World Cup Soccer organising committee, and God, (disputed) head of the world.

Danny Jordaan (D): Hey God! Did you hear? FIFA’s president Sepp Blatter says only YOU can take the 2010 World Cup tournament away from us.

God (G): Izzit? Where did you hear this?

D: No man, the Businessday says it’s so, so it must be.

G: Yislaaik! Look I wasn’t thinking of taking it away. I’m pretty busy finding new places in Africa to curse with Aids, like those American fascist Christians say I spend my time doing. But now I dunno….a gap in my schedule has opened up since Richard Branson started impersonating me….maybe….

D: No man God, come on! You know how those Germans said they had so much fun with their tournament last year? Well, they want to do it again in 2010. But they can’t! It’s mine…erm, I mean, South Africa’s!

G: Ja but bru, look at the shit that has to be cleared up before you’ll be in a position to host it. All the Gautrain shmautrain stuff, the crahm (as your eminent leader Tom Eaton explains it, peace be upon him), hell even the cost of tickets. Will any of you even be able to attend a match?!

D: Well, *I* will. I blerrry well should have a box. But serious G, you gotto promise not to wreak vengeance or any of that kak on us.

G: It’s not me you should worry about. This Blatter oak is the one who’s been tuning you all grief about your readiness to host the tournament, not me. F*&k bru, I’ve been on holiday in Paris Hilton’s cell….shit that cherry is funny when she’s on a hunger strike!

D: Ok, so you’re not gonna do anything?

G: Do I ever?

D: Right on! See you at the tournament then.

G: Viva Brasillia!!!!


Dreeeking in Russia

19 06 07

A conversation between Yuri and Boris, two young men living in Izhevsk, Russia:

Yuri (Y) *takes a swig of his methylated spirits*: Eh Boris, you know vhy our brothers keep dyink so much?

Boris (B) *tips his empty bottle of turpentine into his mouth, savouring the last few drops*: Vot are you talking about Yuri?

Y: Thees study thet says ve younk men in Rossia are dyink because ve drink so much ethanol-based liquids vhich are not meant to be ingested. Eet says nearly half of all deaths of working-age mens in our city are caused by dreenking theese types of alcohol.

B: *doubles over……laughing* Char char char, robbish! I chev dreeenk theese alcohol since New Years Eve 2000, vhen Olga at the corner shop tell me thet because of Y2K, ve vould not be chev anymore wodka. Look me!! I em fine!

Y: Da! Eet’s true! Look your chealthy skin tone…purple like gay teletubbie! You are strong like mother Rossia, like Rossian bear!!!

B: Hrrrr! Theees “non-beverage alcohol” ees cheap like your real-like-leather jacket you vear to make party on veekend.

Y: Thees study say so much peoples died in early 1990s because of “hazardous drinking”….vot means theees? I never dreeenk on job….I alvays take my thinners only before and after vork!

B: Da! Yuri?

Y: Vot?

B: Pass me the acetone, von’t you?