Idly flipping tv channels late last night, contemplating the astounding lack of variety SABC offers me, I hit upon the repeat of the issue of Oprah last night. Last night’s show centred on the astounding secret world of infant language. Oh yes, it was truly earth-shattering. On stage with Oprah was a rather smug-looking Australian woman, Priscilla kangaroomagojee, declaring that she knew what a baby wants when it goes “eh”, “neh” “ow” and makes other sounds more readily acceptable coming from a cat. This woman had the weirdest mouth. I stared and wondered how she made it contort the way it did.
Not to detract from Priscilla’s gift, but doesn’t it stand to reason that any mother, after trying to come to terms with her squalling infant for hours and hours, would not eventually figure out what her baby wants, and when he/she wants it?
I’ve kept my special talent to myself for too long now. I must share it or I will regret never having passed on the secret….the secret of the amazing world of office-worker language. Be prepared….this could very well change your life (and your colleagues’) for good!
Meh = A sound signifying disregard and, often, disgust.
Question: I’ll send you the material you need, but it will only arrive after your print deadline has passed
Explanation: Why the f&ck do you continue to inflict your idiocy on me? I wish you would die a slow and painful death.
Urrrrrrrrrr = A sound signifying obliviousness, with a hint of deception
Question: Have you gotten hold of so-and-so to find out if he/she will be supplying editorial?
Explanation: I’m more useless than a bikini in a blizzard but by making a nondescript sound, perhaps you’ll eventually go away and do it yourself.
Going forward = Not strictly a sound yet, but in the future will not be distinguishable as any meaningful language in the work place.
Statement: I am unhappy with the quality of this work
Reply: Going forward, the use of top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art, innovative new technological advances, and through strategic alignment of corporate structures, we will be in a position to develop and grow a niche in which we can add value and display unique conceptualisation.
Explanation: F&ck! I stuffed up because I didn’t give a rat’s arse about the project and I was too busy blogging to notice.
I hope my letting you in on this precious secret will greatly benefit you in your relations with your colleagues. Should you have any other sounds you wish explained, I am here for you.